Reasonably Hospitable
by Dysfunction Junction
Summary: In which Vergil learns what hospitality really is...


_**A/N: I apologize in advance for any brain damage this little fic may cause...**_

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He considered himself a reasonable man, really he did. However this...this was simply too much.

Any kind hearted person would have snapped long ago, in this fact alone, he figured himself to be worthy of sainthood. For not only had he opened his home and time, but also his finances (which where, he noticed, quickly depleting) to the man who had come to him in need.

He had arrived on his doorstep, looking hopelessly lost, like a stray dog you neither wanted nor needed, but simply could not turn away. Why or how he had come to him was still a mystery and seemed always would be. Which was fine by him as the sentiments and reasons would have been lost anyway. Vergil may have been many things, but affectionate was most certainly not one of them.

His first instinct had been to send the intruding man on a one way trip to hell, courtesy of Yamato. However, to his own dismay, he found he simply couldn't do it. Something it seemed, had stayed his hand. Whatever _it_ was, he _now_ knew he would certainly not have been so generous if given the chance to relive the moment. His brother should thank him for that, at the very least.

Dante...His brother, his twin. The man with whom he shared the same face and body, yet was nothing alike...

To say Dante lived like a pig, would be like saying, Lady was an insane bitch. An extremely, vast, understatement.

Dante had been staying with him for all of about two months now. In that short time, he had managed to trash Vergil's home in a way that no human would have deemed possible. Endless amounts of take out containers, combined with a vast array of dirty magazines had seemed to find their way through the entirety of the house. Assorted items of clothing, stale from not having been washed, had been flung carelessly, ending up on lamp shades and atop bookcases, a lone sock even dangled from the celling fan. The overall smell of his once pleasant abode now reeked of rotten food and foot.

After playing maid, for what he considered far too long, Vergil had finally given up. He figured eventually Dante would have to clean up his own shit. For no matter how lazy and messy the man was, one could only live around so much chaos and disorder for so long, before having to do something about it. At least that's what he told himself.

It had been three weeks since Vergil had lifted even a finger to help keep the man's filth in order. Since then things had gone from slightly unpleasant to down right disgusting. It seemed the rule of cleanliness only applied to most and not _all_ men.

So _this_ was the main reason for Vergil's feeling that his actions would be justified if he were to disembody the white haired man, who was currently lounging on his couch. The same place he had been sitting for Christ knows how long. He was sure there would forever be an indentation from the man's body.

Apparently Dante either felt Vergil's rage or could somehow sense that something was awry, for he turned away from the blaring television and stared at him slightly blurry eyed. He took in Vergil's sour expression.

"What's your problem?" he asked with a slight slur.

Vergil felt the vein in his forehead throb with anger. He tried to calm himself down by taking a few deep breaths, but it did little to appease him.

"When are you planning on cleaning this up?" he demanded sweeping him arms pointedly across the room.

Dante's cloudy eyes followed his movements and returned back to the standing man. "Why does it matter?" he asked. Then looking quite thoughtful he added "It's not like you have a hot date you plan on bringing home or anything."

"That is not the point." Vergil hissed through clenched teeth.

Dante laughed annoyingly and Vergil fervently wished he had his trusted blade with him to finish the man once and for all. Taking a swig from the beer, he was currently nursing, Dante continued, "You know if you weren't such an uptight, bastard you could probably get a girl. Or better yet, I could hook you up with one. What's your preference? Blonde, brunette, red head..."

Vergil glared daggers at him, but the foolish man continued, uncaring. "Big titties are a must, right?" Dante took in his brother and seemed to think about this,"or maybe not..."

"Shut up you fool. I have no desire to deal with women, especially one of your diseased ridden 'acquaintances'."

Dante shrugged at this, plainly feeling it to be his brothers loss. He took another sip from his alcoholic beverage and turned his attention back to the T.V., apparently having had enough of the other man.

If there was one thing Vergil couldn't stand it was being ignored and he knew his brother was well aware of that. So in a rather rash and crazed manner, Vergil did something he wouldn't normally do. He trekked across the room and stopped directly in front of the screen effectively blocking Dante's view. The other man protested loudly but was quickly silenced by the sound of the television falling over due to an appropriately placed kick from Vergil. It shattered upon impact with the floor, destroyed beyond recognition.

Dante stared at him wide eyed as what had just happened seemed to register in his brain.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" he finally bellowed leaping up from the couch.

Vergil was all but heaving with anger, "What's wrong with ME? What the hell is wrong with YOU?" Dante couldn't think of a time he'd seen his brother lose it like this and frankly it was a bit scary. "You show up on my doorstep with nothing but a sob story about how you'd been evicted and had no money or place to go, and me figuring maybe I owed you something did what I thought was the right thing and let your mooching ass stay here. What have you done since you've been here? Lay around on my couch and destroy my house, maybe without that blasted contraption you'll actually do something with yourself. Like get a damn job or..."

The shrill sound of a phone ringing, halted his rant and caused Vergil to look around confused. He didn't own a phone and certainly not one that would ring like that. His surprise quickly turned to anger when he saw Dante reach into his front pant pocket and pull out what looked like a very expensive cellphone. Dante flipped it open with a grin, "About time." he said into the speaker. He listened to the other line for a couple minuets before nodding "Yeah, Yeah I'll do it, but the pay better be un- fucking-believable," and then hung up, slipping the phone back into his pocket.

"Sorry Verg, but I gotta skedaddle. Demons don't kill themselves ya know, not that this hasn't been fun." Dante said reaching for his red coat. Vergil stared him "Where the hell did you get that phone, I thought you didn't have any money?"

Dante slipped on his coat with a grin, "I don't." he said with a shrug.

"And your business, where you really evicted?" Vergil asked, beginning to feel slightly nauseous.

Dante seemed to consider this, rubbing his chin in thought. "Okay, on that one I gotta be honest, I kinda owe some money to Lady and I knew she would be looking for me there, so I needed a place to hide out. I'm sure she never thought you would let me stay here, and frankly, neither did I, so I kinda fibbed. Anyway apparently she's on a long mission, far away from here, so I figure it's safe to come out, for the time being anyway."

Vergil stood paralyzed in anger and unbelieving of what he had just heard. "So this whole last two months was to keep that woman from finding you because you didn't want to pay your debt?."

Dante nodded, smiling in his charming way,"Yep." He then looked at the floor where the destroyed T.V. lay. "You know that really is a shame, Verg I'll bet that was expensive, you should really learn to control your anger better."

Making sure he had all his weapons and equipment, Dante took a moment to observe his scattered laundry "You'll clean this for me right? Make sure you separate colors and whites." Stooping down, he picked up one of his raunchy magazines and then tossed it back. "What the hell, keep the mags, who knows they might entertain you."

Through it all Vergil just stood there not seeing how any of this could be possible, how he had played right into his brother's hand and didn't even know it. Dante downed the rest of the beer and tossed the empty can behind him. "So I guess this is goodbye." he said as if he were leaving from a nice weekend visit. "I will be back to get my clothes of course." he reminded reaching for the door handle. "Oh and Vergil..." said man was still staring so Dante figure he could hear him "Thanks for the phone." And with that he opened the door with flourish and closed in behind him.

-end-

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_**And this my friends is what happens when you are bored in study hall and have fifteen minuets left. R&R?  
**_


End file.
